A Battle Against Self and Defaults
One of the most valuable lessons I’m learning this year is that spiritual growth requires heightened, sustained and perpetual attention and effort. My Teacher has not moved onto another topic because while I am perhaps finally aware of this concept, I have yet to master it. In fact, the point is that nothing is ever mastered. Once a person rests on their laurels, assuming a spiritual lesson or area of life is mastered or “complete”, that area quickly becomes neglected. Mastery of anything is not attained, but practiced – constantly, with no end in sight aside from physical death.
I have great appreciation (as opposed to skill) for martial arts. I took karate in junior high and high school. Back then, my balance, physical prowess, reactions, flexibility, endurance, and knowledge of the required movements put me at the level of a second green belt. More than 15 years have passed since I actively practiced any of the material I learned. I cannot kick as high. My muscles get sore. My blood doesn’t circulate as well. I can’t remember any of the routines. Small aspects of this training remain in my mind, but most of it has deteriorated dramatically.
I still own my green belt and could “suit up” any time I wish. Putting on a karate belt of a particular color does not qualify me in a higher class of skill than anyone who has never taken a single karate class. Only through constant practice can I perform the necessary skills to be worthy of being called a “green belt”, much less anything beyond.
One year ago I experienced a life changing encounter with the Holy Spirit through His Word of power and truth. For several months I was enveloped in amazing maturity, clarity of mind, ability to endure and demonstrate spiritual fruit, and countless other positive effects. Of course I recognize and boldly declare that these improvements are to God’s glory alone. The keynote of this experience that made it miraculous and authentic is that it was not from me. In fact, this spiritual maturity occurred during the time when I was most broken, most defeated, most sinful, and least able to produce any signs of spiritual life, much less growth.
Unfortunately the last three months or so have been marked by significantly lessened signs of spiritual growth. What I had attained through miraculous grace had to be practiced and cared for in order to be maintained. It is a mystery that I still have to fully understand, for I always wanted closeness with God and maturity, even before this surprising and glorious experience. Spiritual maturity has come and gone like the wind in my life. Suddenly it felt available without limit. Because it came to me in opposition to merit or receptivity, I misunderstood what the next steps were. I didn’t realize I needed to DO something.
Immediately following this transforming event, nurturing a Spirit-filled life came natural. Of course I greatly enjoyed the fruit of closeness to the Spirit, so I spent much of my waking hours pursuing God passionately. It is difficult to know how much God requires or desires from us before “kicking in” His own side of the equation – which of course drowns out any pitiful efforts we might make in His direction. It is also mysterious that our efforts (or lack thereof) drastically change the situation, even seemingly undoing some of what God’s mighty power has accomplished supernaturally in us.
Where I am right now is relatively bad. I haven’t intentionally slacked off in my reading, or at least it doesn’t “feel that way”. Yet a slacking has occurred. I perceive it as a lack of intentionality rather than an intentional lacking or rebellion. I seem to be sliding back into the typical American feeling of being busy and full of things that I “need” to get done. Yuck!
It is so strange how much effort it takes on our parts to maintain a healthy relationship with God to the point of being able to clearly see His invisible actions in our lives. Of course it makes perfect sense. The most common comparison is made to other human relationships. One cannot expect to grow in intimacy with one’s spouse if no amount of time or effort is invested in the relationship. Somehow this obvious need for investment with God gets easily thrown to the wayside. I hate how easy and “natural” it is to ignore God! Shouldn’t the lion share of our time, money, effort, thought and emotion be invested in the One who created us in order that we should love and worship Him? Instead, we erect idols made from lifeless materials and bow down to them 16 hours a day. If God gets 10 percent, that’s the most He ever gets – and that doesn’t include our heart, time, energy, passion and thought.
Even being accountable to several people, I time and time again have to tell them that I am neglecting my Bible reading and prayer – the very things that (through the Godhead of the Spirit) gave me miraculous life a year ago. It’s time to refocus. I’m very thankful for Elder Dave’s timely choice to go through “Celebration of Discipline”. Once again though, it’s not enough to just know that Dave is spending a lot of time preparing sermons and tools for us to use. If I don’t match his intentionality and passion, I will gain nothing from his efforts. Even reading the book isn’t enough. Just as with the Bible itself, it is necessary to put into practice the principles learned. Otherwise it is just temporary head knowledge that has absolutely no impact on one’s day-to-day life. In fact, knowledge not applied can be a hindrance more than a blessing.
Luckily I have recently received an assignment from Dave that will force me to spend more than the time it takes to haphazardly read a chapter of the book. In addition to that opportunity, our community group is going to be studying the book to parallel and reinforce the material Dave is presenting in our gatherings. Even with all that, I must be very intentional rather than academic and mechanical.
I am often reminded – no, deeply challenged and convicted – by these words: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 KJV. It is so easy to give God our seconds, or thirds, or seven-thousandths. Because we don’t see Him, feel Him, and converse with Him through our senses regularly; because it takes EFFORT, it is easier to ignore Him. Everything ELSE is first – unless life gets hard, THEN we cry and complain to Him! There are so many distractions that are “right here, right now”, so many things demanding our attention. To shame.
So much of my own problem is simple textbook forgetfulness. I don’t usually make the conscious decision to put something at a higher priority than God. It simply happens. Therefore I recognize it as a lack of intentionality. I must set checks and alarms in place so that I remember the importance. Usually I remember when I start to feel obvious, tangible consequences. I need to reset my internal priorities so that God is the first priority, permeating my thoughts all the time. He alone should be my distraction, my primary focus. It should be more difficult to find time for other things… or not so much find time, but desire in the first place. Many of these things that receive more attention and devotion don’t even matter at all. At all.
This evening I talked to my friend Dave, and we decided to meet at the coffee shop to work on stuff. I told him I would probably study, specifically referring to reading the Bible and “Celebration of Discipline”. That was my express intention. It’s crazy how my frail mind works. When I arrived, I got distracted by installing some programs and ended up jumping into working on editing my photos from a recent vacation. I totally spaced it! After processing several HDR images I recalled my stated purpose for going to the coffee shop. I was going to do some spiritual study! Agh! I can’t believe how bad my memory is and how I default to doing other things.
As soon as I realized my mistake I was then presented with a choice. I could have continued with what I was doing, thinking, “Oh well, I can study later. I already started. I’ll finish X number of photos, and THEN change my focus.” No. Stop. Now.
“Seek ye first”
Thank you, God, for bringing a glimpse of light to my eyes again. You are always good. Help me to remember You first. Fill my mind and heart with thoughts of You. You are my Love and Salvation. There is nothing in this world for me. You are my Portion. I love You. Forgive my laziness. Strengthen me against the flesh, and give me unnatural desires for You. In Jesus’ name, amen.